removing expectations of who you think you should be
Dear reader,
Have you ever placed high expectations on your life to the point where it is completely unattainable and then you end up disappointed like all of the time? Have you also tried the opposite of placing absolutely no expectations only to feel like you’re wasting your days? Same.
Typically I would plan out my life, redo my “ideal week” in my Google calendar, update my private pinterest board for inspiration, and expect myself to be perfect in this plan to be the new me instantly. My first mistake is usually planning too much and not taking into consideration my energy level or need for rest throughout the day. The expectations I placed on myself were unrealistic. Furthermore, the expectations weren’t just reliant on everything going well, but on me to fulfill this to-do list in a way I believed I should be instead of taking into consideration who I truly am.
For the last few months, I have been working on this balance of expectations so I don’t overdo it or feel like I have missed the mark by not meeting my self-inflicted expectations. Not only on how I spend my time, but also on my perception of myself if I do not meet this altruistic vision of a me who doesn’t exist. I had to peel back the layers and figure out what was truly enjoyable for me, what was actually healthy to expect, and accepting myself in the present moment.
When I realized I needed to make a change, I started removing all of my high achieving unrealistic expectations. And I mean literally removing things from my calendar and notes app. I could not keep expecting myself to become someone different to fit this idealized version of my life. This constant desire to make the most of my time translated into trying to make me someone I am not. This has been a difficult first step, but one that brought about cascading benefits into my life that I couldn’t have ever perceived when I started the journey.
Removing the expectations led me to be more realistic with what I could do in terms of my health. We all have limitations in one way or another and I needed to be real with myself about what mine were. A piece of this step I was not expecting was admitting how bad I was actually feeling and seeking appointments and treatment with my doctors. You can read more about my health journey on my about me page. This was a crucial step in finding contentment in the life I am able to live and intermixing it with the one I want.
The truly fun part has been adding things back into my life that felt right. I used to pick things to do based on what I thought this ideal version of myself should want to do. Now, I pick activities or hobbies actually based on if I like doing them. I know, groundbreaking stuff here. There is a layer of people-pleasing added into the mix, that’s a rabbit hole for another time. But seriously as basic and obvious as it may seem, this has felt like returning to myself.
For example, I realized how much I really like coffee. I had been trying to not drink it on and off for years due to health stuff and I just stopped caring and found a way to have it again through trial and error. I have organic coffee everyday now at home and occasionally from the select coffee shops that work for my gut and brain health.
Sketching and watercoloring have become a favorite activity of mine now. I stopped enjoying artsy activities and hobbies when I put too much expectation on the outcome. Rediscovering my artsy side has brought back so much joy, which turned into showing my nephews how to sketch and watercolor. Getting to share that joy without perfectionism is the ultimate benefit.
I volunteer a few hours a week for a faith-based non-profit that supports individuals with brain injuries. Yoga is back in the midst of my routine and I love it. I found a meal subscription that meets my dietary needs and I don’t feel any shame over simplifying food when it usually stresses me out. Heck, I started this blog as a part of this journey!
There are so many things I am rediscovering or learning for the first time about myself. It kind of feels like I am returning to my 13 year old self with adult money and freedom. My 13 year old heart is jumping for joy over this journey and all that has come back into my life. While there are still areas of my life that need the layers to be peeled back and unhealthy expectations need to be reevaluated, I’m really grateful that I began this journey of becoming me.
It has all been worth it because I’m currently sitting in a coffee shop listening to lofi autumn beats on spotify and sipping a PSL with oatmilk. I began my Saturday morning with a desire to lay in bed and try to fall back to sleep. I enjoyed the extra time in bed, but failed to snooze after being awake (story of my life). After breakfast I went for a walk around my neighborhood. I got to see a man leaf blowing while smoking a cigar at 10:35am, an incomplete pile of leaves with a rake laying next to it with no one in sight, and a black lab walking his owner aimlessly until he was satisfied with his control of the destination.
After my walk, I did some yoga at home and a few health therapies before walking over to my neighborhood coffee shop. I have leftovers for dinner and a movie in mind to watch this evening (The one I watched last night was hilariously bad!). I am sitting here without shame, guilt, or an urgency to be doing anything else. I am happily enjoying the day and honoring what I am capable of right now: getting outside, moving my body gently, eating good food, resting, getting myself a little treat, and doing something in public but not necessarily having to be social.
The unrealistic expectations I placed on myself weren’t actually about becoming the ideal version of me, but were truly about attaining a feeling of contentment.
Removing the expectations of who I think I should be turned into one of the biggest turning points in my life. The funny thing is, the expectations I placed on myself weren’t truly about becoming the ideal version of me, but were really about attaining a feeling of contentment. I was chasing a feeling I thought only that version of me could experience. I’m so glad I was proven wrong. I’m just grateful for the journey and the weight that has left my shoulders I didn’t even know I was carrying.
A gentle reminder: It is not a failure to readjust your expectations and begin again. You do not need to discipline yourself into submission of a version of you that doesn’t exist to feel content. Your life is allowed to look different than the one you thought you’d have. And the best part of all is that removing your high expectations may just lead you right into a life that feels more complete than the one you pictured.
With warmth,
teresa margaret
